--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300027 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:26pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Rules _ o (_|_/# From the Desk of Greg Sears: Once apon a time in America ... II< T There was an Indian, a nigger, and a cowboy sitting around a campfire with a jug of whiskey. The indian picked up the jug and pronounced, "Once we were many, now we are few!" and then took a big chug out of the jug. He handed it to the nigger, who pronounced, "Once we were few, now we are many!" He took a big swig, and handed the jug to the cowboy. The cowboy looks at him and says, "We haven't started playing cowboys and niggers yet!" and drank the rest!!! * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300028 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:31pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Joke. Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) While putting toilet water on Greg Sears's neck, the seat fell on Heather's leg .... A mother was lying in her hospital bed after an intense 15 hour delivery of a brand new baby boy. The nurse then walked in with the newborn an the mother was overcome with happiness. "Oh, my darling baby, oh, bring him over to me, (sniff) oh, isn't he just beautiful!" Suddenly, the nurse grabbed the baby by it's legs, and hurtled it across the room, slamming it into the wall. Then picked it up, and smashed it into the floor over and over again. "What are you doing?!! Arrghh!" The mother was very distressed. However, the nurse continued to wreck havoc on the body of this newborn child, with the mother helplessly stuck in her bed. The nurse then stopped the abuse, turned and looked at the weeping mother, and said, "Just kidding, he was already dead!" Cheers, I C E-man * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300029 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:41pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: 8-P Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) While Greg Sears was eating baked beans, Heather Lennox put on a gas mask and said you sound like one of these......... VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart LAZY : Just fizzles AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant SHY : Blushes when he farts silently CARELESS : Farts in church SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole TIMID : Jumps when he farts CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart MISERABLE : Can't fart at all CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog DISSAPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head MUSICAL : Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve ANTI SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter INTELLECTUAL : Can determine the smell of his neighbours' fart WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles Cheers, I C E-man * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300030 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:51pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Limerick Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) As Greg Sears was wearing rubber underwear, Heather giggled about HL>I can't watch Market Forces. It's on at the same time as something >interesting. You missed it ... they moved to Auckland and lost the plot! #[:-)] _ o (_|_/# From the Desk of Greg Sears: OBJoke II< T A business man on a middle east trip is the guest of honor at a banquet. He is served a regional delicacy: sheep's head. Looking down at his plate, he sees this big eye staring back at him. Feeling nauseous, but not wanting to offend his host, he swallows the eye whole without chewing. On the next day, after catching a quick return flight, he feels sick. He feels so bad that he has to make an appointment with his proctologist. In his office the doctor often uses a tube shaped exploring device. At one end is the viewing screen. So the doctor gets the businessman up on the examination table, turns the power on, and sees only a big eye. "What's the matter?" the doctor asks. "Don't you trust me?" * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300031 Date: 05/23/98 From: WAYNE YOUNG Time: 11:45pm \/To: DAVE COBLE (Read 4 times) Subj: A MAN too curious! -=> Quoting Dave Coble to Wayne Young <=- DC> resist the last button marked "ART". DC> When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. DC> when she appeared, he cried out, "WHAT HAPPENED? The last thing I DC> remember, I was in the ladies' room aboard a plane." The nurse replied, DC> "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the button marked DC> "ATR", which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under DC> your pillow." Hehe... having toilet seats like that, who the hell needs Mrs. Bobbitt?? ... She's nuttier than the squirrels' breakfast. ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Frog Hollow Port Moody BC 604-469-0264/0284 (1:153/290) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300032 Date: 05/24/98 From: WAYNE YOUNG Time: 12:05am \/To: DAVE COBLE (Read 4 times) Subj: You Know You'Re Growing -=> Quoting Dave Coble to Wayne Young <=- WY> Do you think the soldier and his commander can handle them - WY> thousands of screaming hot hot teenagers?? DC> They are mostly in their thirties by now. I'm surprised the soldiers lived this long! DC> YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN . . . DC> After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest DC> before applying a second coat. He's losing his mind, but he still got the energy! DC> The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get DC> very upset and worried. Yes, when the dollar is worth 8 cents! DC> The gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals. Nothing to worry until it hits your trifocal... DC> The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as your DC> great grandson. He's not old, he's living longer than 99.9% of the people! DC> The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife. She has to do it to play the part - at 21!! DC> You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the DC> golf course. Jackie Gleason was a lousy golfer! DC> You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the DC> hospital. He's the administrator! ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Frog Hollow Port Moody BC 604-469-0264/0284 (1:153/290) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300033 Date: 05/24/98 From: WAYNE YOUNG Time: 12:48am \/To: GREG SEARS (Read 4 times) Subj: Joke. -=> Quoting Greg Sears to Wayne Young <=- WY>Yeh, but since when does the Russian leader has to change a WY>lightbulb? GS> I'm sorry mate, I'm not an historian.... I'm telling the story! #,-0 Yeh, but it wasn't meant to be factual, Mate! WK> GS> Wayne, reading above, me thinks a windscreen! What-cha reckon? #,-0 >OK, for this time... >what about the OTHER times? :) GS> Who said I've had the other times? #,-0 See, you still sound like the factual historian!! :) WY>I see you love Windows dearly... GS> Hell doesn't everyone ... that's what bill at the gate said anywho!!! And you took him, line and sinker? WY> GS> "Five!" he exclaims. >Quite a thrust! Presumably the first helper stays behind to help >him for the pleasure of it? GS> Could be, but the owner wouldn't pay him remember! #[:-(] A bit slow, eh? :) Wayne GS> (_|_/# From the Desk of Greg Sears: FART CHART Lets see you convert that to a "pie" chart, Greg!! ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Frog Hollow Port Moody BC 604-469-0264/0284 (1:153/290) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300034 Date: 05/24/98 From: JOHN F DAVIS Time: 05:33pm \/To: RICK BURWELL (Read 4 times) Subj: MORE DARWIN RB> More Darwin Awards, I vote for: RB> On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a RB> robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact RB> that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally RB> stupid choices as listed below: RB> 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop; RB> 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial RB> portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns RB> in public places; RB> 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car RB> parked at the front door; RB> 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having RB> coffee before reporting to duty. RB> Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and RB> fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, RB> removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew RB> their guns, but didn't fire. RB> No one else was hurt. * SLMR 2.1a * 7 of every 8 drivers have insurance, The 8th, an accident --- Silver Xpress Mail System 5.03H1 * Origin: The Chessplayer's Forum - MultiLine (313) 386-7054 (1:2410/278) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300035 Date: 05/25/98 From: GEOFF CROSS Time: 09:16am \/To: GEORGE POPE (Read 4 times) Subj: Back and bad. GP> Your servant, <+]::-), "Cyberpope", servant to Y'shua the GP> King! Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca I see you and Mr. Coble are still up to your old tricks. This is just a test to see if this limited point software works at all - now I know something of what a woman feels during childbirth... . --- cPoint v2.17/FreeWare * Origin: 1:2424/224 (1:2424/224.201) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300036 Date: 05/23/98 From: GARRY SIMMONDS Time: 07:48pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Rules * When Garry Simmonds surprised Heather Lennox in the shower * Heather yelled for all to hear something about Rules Hello Heather... Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied'. The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning she put two in his coffee, and that night they REALLY got it on. They next day she said, "what the hell" and put the whole bottle in his coffee. A few days later the doctor called to see how things were. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts and dad is out naked in the yard yelling "Here Kitty Kitty." // /Cheers/ \X/ *Gazza* - /E-mail/: garrys@midac.com.au ... How do women hold there Liquor, By there ears. --- Spot 1.3a #316 * Origin: Laughter the Best Medicine (3:622/452.69)