--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300017 Date: 05/23/98 From: MISS KITTY Time: 09:39pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: The difficult case Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!" --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.12 * Origin: Kitty's Keep BBS * 714-997-9310 * Orange, CA * (1:103/441.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300018 Date: 05/23/98 From: MISS KITTY Time: 10:29pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: An act of kindness One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two feet high!" --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.12 * Origin: Kitty's Keep BBS * 714-997-9310 * Orange, CA * (1:103/441.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300019 Date: 05/23/98 From: MISS KITTY Time: 11:08pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Woof... A LARGE DOG walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?" "Woof!" barkes the dog. "Hmmm..," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..." "Woof!" interrupts the dog. "And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..." "Woof!.." signals the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, he decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at the door. WIth that, the door swings open and an angry man starts yelling at the dog. "Stop!!" yells the butcher. "That dog is the most intelligent animal I ever seen!" "Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!!!!" --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.12 * Origin: Kitty's Keep BBS * 714-997-9310 * Orange, CA * (1:103/441.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300020 Date: 05/23/98 From: MISS KITTY Time: 11:09pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: BLUES HOW TO SING THE BLUES (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky) 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you're deaf c. you have a trust fund. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) --- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.12 * Origin: Kitty's Keep BBS * 714-997-9310 * Orange, CA * (1:103/441.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300021 Date: 05/16/98 From: GEORGE POPE Time: 02:35pm \/To: JEFF FOY (Read 4 times) Subj: Jeff's Funnies #078 01/03 JF> Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical JF> situations? Just the once, and it hurt so bad.... JF> You know how most packages say "Open here"...? What JF> is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Put a sweater on if you're going to go outside. JF> Why do people without a watch look at their wrist JF> when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone JF> without a watch what time it is? Same reason little kids grasp their crotches when they ask where the bathroom is! JF> Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while JF> you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" JF> button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you JF> didn't when you pressed it the first time? Maybe he does! JF> Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" JF> on money they already know you don't have? It's their way of selling their credit department, I guess... It's sorta ike a bankruptcy outfit charging you $1200.00 to process your bankruptcy (isn't the fact one is applying for br evidence enough that he/she HAS NO MONEY?) JF> Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? occasionally. JF> Why is the alphabet in that order? Because of the song... JF> If you got into a taxi and he started driving JF> backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? Only if you don't make him back up into a drive-in movie. JF> What would a chair look like if your knees bent the JF> other way. different. JF> Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? They were wrongly named... start calling them by their proper names (hint: reverse the names, call the juicy citrus fruit item a "carrot" and the vegetable thing an "orange") JF> Do fish get cramps after eating? They have to wait 30 minutes before leaving the water. JF> Why are there 5 syllables in the word JF> "monosyllabic"? because you misspelled polysyllabic. JF> If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed JF> to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 32 degrees Fahrenheit. JF> How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they JF> are? Miniature remote control helicopters. JF> Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking JF> for something new? Cuz they get paid a grant for each time they search, so if they always search twice or more, they get twice or more the money from the government. Your servant, <+]::-), "Cyberpope", servant to Y'shua the King! Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca ... nfx v2.8 [C0000] FAITH is daring 2 go farther than you can see. --- EzyQwk V1.48g0 01fa0167 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300022 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 12:40pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Joke A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!! After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She said "While in town I found a package on the sidewalk and brought it home. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease' -- and you know I think it works, I haven't had a cold all winter!" Cheers, I C E-man * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300023 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:02pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Rules Dated: 05-24-98 (12:14) When Greg Sears's rubber dummy was stolen, Greg Sears sat down and cried "Heather Lennox has broken the Rules a g a i n!" Two ovaries, one said to the other " Did you order music?" The other said " No why?" The first ovary answered "Because there are two nuts down there trying to push an organ up the passage." Cheers, I C E-man * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300024 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:07pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: In the beginning.... Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) Greg Sears looked to Heather Lennox and said In the beginning.... HL> GS> chocolate with it and Heather will like it even more!" #,-0 >News for you... I don't even like chocolate very much. 8-) Very much as compared to what p a r t i c u l a r l y? #,-0 _ o (_|_/# From the Desk of Greg Sears: Woman? II< T Two women get to talking at the supermarket, and one asked the other, "How many times have you been married?" "Four times," she answered. "What were their professions?" the other one asked. "A millionaire, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker....one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300025 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:15pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: 8-P Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) Greg Sears was wearing rubber underwear, Heather giggled about the really c o o l fit, with all the bumps in the correct places! #:-) HL>See ya later, Alligator... Ok, you're place or the dance hall? #[:-)] _ o (_|_/# From the Desk of Greg Sears: Little boys in America..... II< T Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do." One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin. Three: Pee. Four: Push back your foreskin. Five: Put your equipment back. The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!" "Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said. I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......" * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: FA300026 Date: 05/25/98 From: GREG SEARS Time: 01:23pm \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Blondes Dated: 05-24-98 (12:15) While feeling little kids bicycle saddles, Greg Sears told Heather "s t o p drooling about Blonde kids!" #,-0 HL> ;-)) OBJoke: Little Kids Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is `urinate.' Please use the word `urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" Cheers, I C E-man * SLMR 2.1a * If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it! --- ViaMAIL!/SL v1.40j * Origin: Southern Lights - Christchurch NZ. +64-3-388-6655 (3:770/125)