--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00755 Date: 05/02/98 From: DENIS BURKE Time: 07:15am \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Re: 8-P HL> When Greg Sears fell in a cowpat, Greg Sears looked to Heather Lennox HL> and said 8-P HL> Santa doesn't have any children of his own. HL> He only comes once a year, and then it is down a chimney. .....and then there was...... "I've been thinking about a remake of The Music Man set in the 90s. The character of Heather would no longer be a librarian but would be an unfulfilled bikini model in beer ads,....a sadder Budweiser girl." ============================================================================== = ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- ViaMAIL!/WC4 v1.30 * Origin: FidoNet:Treasure Mountain BBS (317)-897-3438 (1:231/60) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00756 Date: 05/02/98 From: DENIS BURKE Time: 07:18am \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Re: Rules HL> When a midget fortune teller escaped from jail the newspaper headline HL> read: "Small Medium at Large." ...do ya' want fries with that? HL> Gypsies are good at predicting the future because their fathers had HL> crystal balls. Q. Ever smelt mothballs? A. Nope.....I could never get their legs apart! Ta ta Ducky!! ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- ViaMAIL!/WC4 v1.30 * Origin: FidoNet:Treasure Mountain BBS (317)-897-3438 (1:231/60) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00757 Date: 05/02/98 From: DENIS BURKE Time: 07:26am \/To: HEATHER LENNOX (Read 4 times) Subj: Re: Facts (or so they say Hey Sweet cheeks!! JS> 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left JS> hand. HL> No... it ain't. aewragresderafddfewadf There! Proof! ;-))) ....LOL....how about the *right* hand!? JS> To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its JS> eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. HL> Take note everyone... he said "eyeballs", not the high balls. 8-) "I said Rum & Coke on the Rocks, *not* Run the boat on the rocks!!" Captain of Ammico Valdiz. JS> Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. HL> Blast! That's my diet ruined. ....this could get sticky!! Once Upon a Time Whince upun a thyme, there was a man who married in his youth the most perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent, sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It caused him the utmost grief when she died not long after their marriage, and he mourned her for many years. In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only in a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could find no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her husband, it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable. He soon regretted his decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as quickly as possible. After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at least the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck, she did not die, nor did she prove a harpy after the vows were made, and they lived many happy years and had several children. It did not take him long, in fact, to get over what had proven to be a very brief mid-wife crisis. ============================================================================== = -= Denis =- ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12 --- ViaMAIL!/WC4 v1.30 * Origin: FidoNet:Treasure Mountain BBS (317)-897-3438 (1:231/60) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00758 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:43pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Was He Shot or Not? <&> Crossing the Br14:43:2605/02/98 *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said hat Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each ther, who feuded constantly. John and Clarence hated each other with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at each other. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across the river. John was elated: He told his wife that finally he was oing to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize is size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "Clearance 8FT 3IN" *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the arn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the ead, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. "Well," e said, "the women would say 'How tragic that your mother-in-law got kicked in the head and killed' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* *~* --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00759 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:44pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Ba-Dum-Bum <&> Retirement <&> Energizer 14:44:1605/02/98 ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ A duck goes into a drug store to buy some condoms. After a while he picks up his favorite brand and heads for the check out. The checkout girl says, Shall I put these on your bill?" The duck says, "What do I look like, some kind of pervert?" (ba-dum-bum) ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ RETIREMENT My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout Time was when, on its own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I've got a full-time job To find the blasted thing It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its little head And watch me tie my shoes ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ AP OCT 20, 1997 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming nd coming and coming... ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ ^#^ --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00760 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:44pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Men Are Like... <&> New Born Baby <&> Po14:44:4705/02/98 ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ Men are like vacations............... they never seem to be long enough. Men are like computers............... hard to figure out and never have nough memory. Men are like coolers................. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like chocolate bars............. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like coffee................. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like horoscopes............... they always tell you what to do and re usually wrong. Men are like plungers............... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement................. after getting laid, they take a long ime to get hard. ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger repeatedly saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!" ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the athroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket !!! ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ ^*^ --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00761 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:46pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Bra Types <&> Hospital Bill <&> See What14:46:3005/02/98 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the ales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the alvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A. Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels etrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the nimal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to is scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00762 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:47pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: 2 long ones - Rocket Scientist <&> Old L14:47:1005/02/98 Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space huttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test t on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken urtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken." ________________________________________________ The Old Lady and the Bet A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to pen a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never in that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, my I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the resident got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He horoughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next mornng, at precisely 0:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 ays the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again nd the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president sked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The ank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." ___________________________________________________ --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00763 Date: 05/02/98 From: DMNEWSIE@AOL.COM,INTERNET Time: 02:47pm \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Fwd: It's the FASTEST <&> Church Bus <&>14:47:4305/02/98 ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ [Editorial comment - ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! I just roared when I read this] A hip young man went out and bought a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It was the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped both looking about 90 years old) pulled up next to him. The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asked, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replied, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" stated the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asked, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 320 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhooooossshhh! Something whipped by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asked himself. Then, ahead of him, he saw a dot coming toward him. Whooooosh! It went by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooooosh K- BbblaMMM! It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumped out, and it WAS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurtin' for certin'. He ran up to the dying old man and aid, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moaned and replied, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ A minister, priest and rabbi got together to get a bus to haul the people of their congregations around, since no congregation was large enough to get one on its own. The first thing that happened was a heated discussion as to how the bus would be dedicated. The minister said "You know, we have to drive it into the lake since baptism is the only way." The priest said "You fool - just sprinkle some water on the hood." The rabbi remained silent. The other two said "Well, what do YOU think we should do?" He said "You're both daft... just cut a couple inches off the tail pipe..." ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ MOMS BROWNIES Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dial call removed. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. --- Aeolus v1.2.2b3 (#96101098) * Origin: The ChatterBox, Justin Texas (1:393/3) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00764 Date: 05/02/98 From: CARL AUSTIN BENNETT Time: 12:20pm \/To: WALTER RUFF (Read 4 times) Subj: Re: Luke's Jokes 3/3 BA> I work for an agency of the federal government. In the lobby of our BA> building have always been pictures of the president and vice BA> president. One thing I really did want to do, but never had the guts BA> ... replace the picture of Dan Quayle with Alfred E. Neuman. JS> It's not too late! I'll let you decide which one - Clinton or Gore. Leave Slick Willy in place for now and replace Gore with that Monica babe. :) --- Maxim00se/2 * Origin: If Clinton and Lewinsky run USA I'm hiding in Canada eh? (1:249/116)