--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00690 Date: 05/01/98 From: HEATHER LENNOX Time: 06:21pm \/To: GREG SEARS (Read 4 times) Subj: Joke. Hello chubby-chops! GS> Oh you're saying back when Canada was a UK colony, or was it when dad GS> was running a small tea-import/export business from India? > "Good, then I'll stop pissing in the soup." GS> Hey this is a dandy story, when were in Aussie? #[:-)] The longest I have been in Aussie was 3 hours. I was in the airport waiting for my connecting flight out. Roger the pharmacy clerk fancied himself as a mind-reader. He would study facial expressions as customers came in. "Wait," he said to the blonde before she could order. "I know what you want." He handed her a packet of Durex. "No," she replied. "I want a roll of toilet paper." "Darn," said Roger. "Missed it by a whisker." Yours sincerely, ... Police seize sex computer, but are unsure of it's gender. --- Xenolink 1.984, XQwk 1.6 [REG 10054] * Origin: Amiga Auckland, 64-9-528-5872 (3:772/235) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00691 Date: 05/01/98 From: HEATHER LENNOX Time: 06:21pm \/To: GREG SEARS (Read 4 times) Subj: Rules Wotcher Hinny... >I've got a copy of those somewhere in a magazine of mine. GS> Oh sh*t you're saying you're into Playboy? C o o l 8-P No... I've got a copy of the Police magazine. It's in that. When a midget fortune teller escaped from jail the newspaper headline read: "Small Medium at Large." Gypsies are good at predicting the future because their fathers had crystal balls. Gan canny noo! ... Now, you guys might wanna be carful around heavy toilet lids ;> --- Xenolink 1.984, XQwk 1.6 [REG 10054] * Origin: Amiga Auckland, 64-9-528-5872 (3:772/235) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00692 Date: 05/01/98 From: HEATHER LENNOX Time: 06:21pm \/To: JITENDER SAAN (Read 4 times) Subj: Facts (or so they say) Greetings Earthling JS> A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. So Greg is a pregnant goldfish... JS> A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. How on earth did they discover that!!!? JS> A whale's penis is called a dork. That...explains...a...lot...about some of the people I work with... JS> The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. ...During a politcal party broadcast it is within 2 seconds. JS> 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left JS> hand. No... it ain't. aewragresderafddfewadf There! Proof! ;-))) JS> To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its JS> eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. Take note everyone... he said "eyeballs", not the high balls. 8-) JS> Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Blast! That's my diet ruined. Wuthering-Smith was reminiscing. "Remember that lovely barmaid, Belle, who served here for so long?" Frobisher remembered. "She used to wear a black garter." "Indeed she did, Frobisher, why was that?" "It was in memory of all the chaps who passed beyond!" Tatta ducky! ... Jitender Saan, this message self destructs in 7 seconds...3, 2, 1, ... *BLAM!* --- Xenolink 1.984, XQwk 1.6 [REG 10054] * Origin: Amiga Auckland, 64-9-528-5872 (3:772/235) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00693 Date: 05/01/98 From: JEFFREY MEIKLE Time: 10:55pm \/To: WAYNE YOUNG (Read 4 times) Subj: a quiz 01/0 JM> I dig my self a hole, and i was wondering where you are? <: JM> Cheers WY> WY> Me? Oh, I was looking down the "hole"! :)) WY> Seriously, I'm in Vancouver, Canada. WY> Have you been to Canada? never been over seas in my life, someday i plan to do a world tour, God willing :) WY> WY> So you are stil "digging" for some NZ jokes, eh? yea... i would've thought that was easy, but i have a joker here, :) A Man walks into the local pub, and asks for a Beer, while the bar man is getting there beer, the Bloke, asks the bar man... "What this jar of coins for?" The bar man Says "I'll give you this jar if you can make my hourse Laugh" The fella says, " hey that's easy..." So the fella goes out back.. a short while later, the bar man can hear his hourse laughing like mad, the fella comes back gets the jar of money, and departs.. a few weeks later, the fella returns to the same bar, and asks, for another Beer, notices another jar of coins on the Table, The fella asks, " What's this jar for?" The bar man says " If you can make my hourse cry, it's yours!" So the fella goes out back, a short time later, the bar man hears his horse crying like mad... the fella returns to the bar and takes the jar, Before he goes the bar man asks " how did you make my hourse laugh?" The falla says " i told your hourse i had a bigger **** than he did!" The bar man then asks " Then how did you make my hourse cry? " The fella says " I proved it! " hope you like it... .-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-. . Jeffrey Meikle [TeamBBS] . . Email : Jeffrey.Meikle@johnnos.pl.net . . Fido : 3:770/145 ACiD 144:1/0 . .-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-. --- Shotgun v1.38a * Origin: .[The Keep]. It's Home Away From Home! (3:770/145) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00694 Date: 05/01/98 From: BOB BUCHANAN Time: 03:00am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Traffic Report! ********************************************************************* * Birdsoft Poster Record for Area: FUNNY * * Messages received by BrainstormersIdeaExchange 1:134/61 * * Thu, Apr 2, 1998 - Fri, May 1, 1998 * ********************************************************************* Posts Name Average Size Address ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 173 Dave Coble 3972 1:387/643.0 66 Bob Buchanan 3659 1:134/61.0 64 RICK BURWELL 3091 2:252/356 58 Miss Kitty 3147 1:103/441.0 50 Heather Lennox 2497 3:772/235 50 Greg Sears 2766 3:770/125 47 Garry Simmonds 3380 3:712/517.3 41 J. Randy Mitchell 4102 1:124/6308.7 38 Harsh Javeri 2772 6:606/1 36 George Pope 2896 1:153/307 25 Wayne Young 3536 1:153/290 23 Dmnewsie@aol.com,Internet 4365 1:393/3 23 Barry Austern 2784 1:108/155 21 Jitender Saan 2690 6:606/1 21 Luke Fischer 7952 1:260/375 20 Mike Obrien 2885 1:282/4063 17 Devin Manzer 3282 1:153/757 15 Jeffrey Meikle 2930 3:770/145 14 Michael Trachtenberg 3601 1:2604/514 11 Denis Burke 3904 1:231/60 10 David Chord 2338 3:771/1560 9 Dennis Haddox 4471 1:2215/300.0 8 Jesse Spurway 2502 1:124/1208 8 Bob King 2320 3:770/115.16 6 George Avera 2328 1:393/3 6 Carl Austin Bennett 2153 1:249/116 6 Paul Andinach 3829 3:690/682 6 Ben O'sullivan 2886 1:104/447 5 Jasen Betts 2240 3:640/350 5 Krissy Johnson 2936 1:353/710 5 Lee Hardy 1990 2:2502/155 4 Kathie Kato 1768 1:153/757 4 Jonathan Arnoldussen 1725 1:358/26 4 Patrick Long 4467 1:275/102 4 Ted Loker 3113 1:221/1401 4 Eric Oulashin 3327 1:105/308 4 Howard Heller 1604 1:278/15 3 Jennifer Oliver 2207 1:203/448 3 Gene Rector 2640 1:278/15 3 Graham Johnson 6997 2:254/233 3 valerieh@best.com,Internet 5226 1:393/3 3 FRANK RANDALL 1166 2:252/171 3 BRIAN JACKSON JR 1192 1:322/746 3 David Drummond 1737 3:640/305 3 JOHN F DAVIS 2022 1:2410/278 3 Carl Gregory 2196 1:209/155 3 Robert Urquhart 2435 3:770/145 2 Mark Chumienski 3582 1:244/204 2 Bjrn Andersen 1334 2:238/52.180 2 Candy Taylor 2147 1:244/204 2 Maggie Bolt 1190 1:250/401 2 Brendan Keyport 950 1:138/201.0 2 Ewan Logan 2336 2:2502/151 2 Don Box 2895 1:102/836.0 2 Neville Scott 1809 3:770/280.9 2 Lars Dan Rander 2285 2:236/447.28 2 Bob Cousineau 2367 1:246/15 2 MODERATOR-FUNNY 1323 1:250/301 2 John Mork 1206 1:114/270.0 2 Tyler Raymond 1484 1:393/3 2 Steve Ambrosini 3280 1:141/666 2 Corbin Lemieux 13852 1:221/802.1 2 Rachel Dawson 1373 1:208/206 2 Stewart Honsberger 2698 1:229/604 1 Kenneth Rich 1026 1:133/8870 1 Michael Foytek 2304 1:387/496 1 Dustin Emhart 1906 1:151/277 1 Harold Dawson 770 1:208/205 1 Joe Martin 6517 1:134/61.333 1 FBrownTX@aol.com,Internet 2286 1:393/3 1 Jordan Oxborrow 1221 1:140/236 1 PhilipMils@aol.com,Internet 2462 1:393/3 1 Eric Collins 4520 1:138/293 1 Joseph Ferenchik 1887 1:2222/103 1 Moderator - FUNNY 2755 1:250/301 1 DANIEL BOWDEN 1729 1:123/215 1 Rich Veraa 1084 1:135/907 1 Duncan Reid 1680 3:774/605.15 1 Walter Ruff 1181 1:124/2113 1 Jim Venedam 1590 1:374/46.5 1 Sheila Bernstein 2155 1:114/506 1 Peter Thompson 3239 3:771/1200 1 DAVID R SHAKESPEARE 1386 1:209/156 1 Chris Benson 3970 3:624/200 1 Michael Stapleton 1873 3:713/615 1 GARY GOHRT 3458 1:250/348 1 Andrew Ziem 5035 1:128/234 1 Elaine Roberts 1991 1:2424/3120 1 Jerry Kassebaum 1455 1:3603/570 1 Jean Halverson 1789 1:130/911 1 Robert Rolleston 892 1:267/75 1 Chris Simmonds 1302 3:774/1137 1 Colin Hopkins 3649 3:771/1550.40 1 Andrew Calder 854 3:770/280 1 Herby Hnigsperger 4792 5:7107/9 1 Greg Peffers 1218 1:2625/110 1 Michelle Hollywell 945 1:221/802 1 Mark Lenton 832 1 Gerald Grenier 2083 3:771/1550.127 1 Roger Nelson 986 1:3828/7 1 Karl Umstatter 3779 1:342/61 1 Nicholas Vining 1378 1:340/88 1 Kari Johnson 1003 1:353/710 1 Bob Minnich 1709 1:157/427 1 Christian Findlay 1937 3:633/201 1 Gary Gilmore 5547 1:2410/400 1 DUANE VINCENT 1263 1:343/311 1 Ashish Saboo 2764 6:606/1 Total = 1019 by 108 authors. --- * Origin: HUMOR Moderator at your service! (1:134/61) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00695 Date: 05/01/98 From: DAVE COBLE Time: 11:24am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: a good riddle An Arkansas policeman comes up to another Arkansas policeman and says: "Here's a riddle. In what month are the most babies born?" "I don't know." "In the ninth!" "Ha! ha! That's funny!" says the other one and walks away. He happens to bump into a sergeant from the National Guard, and says: "I just heard a good riddle. In what month are the most babies born?" "I don't know." "October, stupid!" * AmyBW v2.15b7 * ... "Rich People" By Belle Yenere --- FMail/386 1.02 * Origin: Yet Another Brick (210-662-8700) San Antonio, Texas (1:387/643.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00696 Date: 05/01/98 From: DAVE COBLE Time: 11:26am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: Abraham Lincoln When Abraham Lincoln was running for Congress in the middle 1840's he ran against a Hellfire and Brimstone Methodist Preacher who campaigned against Lincoln, calling him a heretic because he wasn't a regular church goer. One Sunday, Lincoln came to the Church where the Preacher was giving a sermon and sat down in the back. The Preacher spotted Lincoln and thought to himself, "Now I've got him..." He spoke to the congregation and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're going to Heaven to stand." Everyone stood except Lincoln. Then the Preacher spoke again and said "I want everyone who thinks they're going to Hell." Lincoln remained seated. The Preacher thought to himself that he had Lincoln for sure now and said: "Well Mr Lincoln, just where do you *THINK* you're going?" Lincoln stood put his hat on and turned to leave. Over his shoulder he said, "Well, I EXPECT to go to *CONGRESS*!" * AmyBW v2.15b7 * ... "We Take Credit Cards, But..." By Cassius Better --- FMail/386 1.02 * Origin: Yet Another Brick (210-662-8700) San Antonio, Texas (1:387/643.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00697 Date: 05/01/98 From: DAVE COBLE Time: 11:30am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: DAVE BARRY IS AN ALIEN DAVE BARRY IS AN ALIEN by Michael LaPointe Staff Columnist (Racine Reporter Weekly) I used to think Dave Barry was goofy. After a short time, that assumption graduated to crazy. Anyone who thought my home state of Wisconsin was in danger of being destroyed by exploding cows couldn't have both oars in the water. However, after doing some extensive research, it hit me like a water balloon dropped off a ten story apartment building. I've concluded that Dave Barry isn't crazy, it is just that he is, in fact, and alien. Think about it, it must be true. If it WASN'T true, we most certainly would have seen an article in one of the tabloids that it WAS true. You know the kind of paper I'm talking about. The kind with stories with titles like: Monkey Boy Marries Banana Tree, Prehistoric Man Found First To Dance Watusi, Humorist Discovered To Be Bovine-Devouring Extra-Terrestrial. They have all the evidence they need. Consider the cover of Dave Barry Talks Back. Many people do not realize that this is an actual picture unretouched by professionals who specialize in that sort of thing. That picture alone is enough for most magazines to base an entire story on. So why, you may ask, if he is an alien, haven't scientists with white lab coats and thick glasses gone after him to study his mating habits, dissect him, and stuff like that. And why hasn't Sigourney Weaver tried to blow him up? Well, the astounding answer is... (dramatic pause) I don't know. Maybe it's because he isn't ugly (at least by alien standards.) Maybe he isn't an immediate threat to national security. Right now, the only trouble he is causing is making Midwestern kids believe there is a magical land called Miami. (Come to think of it, he has most of the adults here fooled too.) It is also very possible Dave Barry (if that IS his real name) is in cahoots with Douglas Adams. Again, I have no proof of this. It's just that I've always wanted to use the 0111word cahoots in one of my columns. I believe I think that I might have read something somewhere that Douglas Adams based his character of Ford Prefect on himself so he could get in touch with his true feeling of being stranded on a planet as boring as Earth. Of course, I can't be completely sure of this, because after I read the article on Adams, I continued on to the gripping Monkey Boy Marries Banana Tree saga, so some of the details may be inexact. If you don't know who Douglas Adams is, you are officially unhip. Just be assured this is one of the funnier parts of the column, laugh a bit, and continue. Come to think of it, we could take this a step further and assume that Dave Barry and Douglas Adams are the same person! (alien, whatever) They both have dark hair, both their names start with, both their last names have the same number of letters, and no on I know has ever seen them in a picture together (at least not an actual picture unretouched by professionals who specialize in that sort of thing.) In fact, I'd be willing to bet my entire collection of Roy Rodgers' Boxer Shorts (handed down in my family from generation to generation) that no one has ever seen a picture of Dave Barry, Douglas Adams, and Bill Clinton together. Makes you think, doesn't it? So, here we have a Multi-national, bovine-devouring extra-terrestrial posing as a leader of an industrial and nuclear capable nation AND two separate, and we haven't caught on yet? If I was one of those political satirists, I'd say it was still a better choice than Dan Quale,but that's not my department, so I'll let it be. Besides, Dan Quale jokes are now considered passe. By now you may be wondering, So, if you have all this rock solid evidence, why don't you present it to the proper authorities? To which I reply, "Mind your own business!" However, in keeping my responsibility to journalistic integrity, nay, to the American public as a whole, I am obliged to offer an explanation. In fact, I'm offering the explanation for a limited time only for the low, low price of just $19.95 sent to me in care of this paper. ACT NOW! At these prices, the explanation won t last long. These prices are insane!!! Sorry. So, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Dave Barry probably isn't an alien (though I still have my doubts about Douglas Adams) and that some writers will go so far as to pick on a famous person just to further their career. OK, so I may be stretching a little bit with some of my conclusions, but where would the world be without hard hitting investigative journalists like me and Geraldo Rivera? (Don't answer that.) I would like to go on record, however, and ask the following questions: First of all, where can I obtain a video of an exploding cow? It sounds kinda neat. I've checked my local listings for America's Funniest Exploding Cow Videos but no dice. Next, I'd like to know whatever happened to Lola Granola from Bloom County. Last, I'd like to know how extended community calling really works. I shall continue my investigation into Mr. Barry as long as these questions go unanswered, or at least until Mr. Barry sends me a legal document of some kind. Until next time, this is Michael "keeping your cows safe from aliens" LaPointe signing off * AmyBW v2.15b7 * ... "I Love Crowds" By Morris Merrier --- FMail/386 1.02 * Origin: Yet Another Brick (210-662-8700) San Antonio, Texas (1:387/643.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00698 Date: 05/01/98 From: DAVE COBLE Time: 11:23am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: English Air Bases Did you know that the Scots were credited with saving the lives of WWII aviators returning from bombing raids to English Air Bases? After dropping their bombs, the pilots would fly low back over the channel. But the dense fog made it difficult to know if they were over friendly territory, in case they had to bail out. As they flew very low, they would look down at the houses, and when they saw the toilet paper, hanging out to dry......they knew they were back in "home" territory..... * AmyBW v2.15b7 * ... "Why Women Wear Bras" By Drew P. Tits --- FMail/386 1.02 * Origin: Yet Another Brick (210-662-8700) San Antonio, Texas (1:387/643.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00699 Date: 05/01/98 From: DAVE COBLE Time: 11:25am \/To: ALL (Read 4 times) Subj: fund raising dinner The principal speaker at a United Givers fund raising dinner said to the orchestra leader, "As I come to the end of my speech tonight, I'm going to call on everyone in the audience who will pledge $100 to stand up. At exactly that moment, I want your orchestra to play some appropriate music." "What music," the orchestra leader asked, "Would you consider appropriate?" "Why," said the speaker, "`The Star Spangled Banner', of course." * AmyBW v2.15b7 * ... "Ship Mysteries" By Marie Celeste --- FMail/386 1.02 * Origin: Yet Another Brick (210-662-8700) San Antonio, Texas (1:387/643.0)