HH> +-----------------------------+
 HH> THE SOUTH AFRICAN VERSION:
 HH> The first part is the same,  but because it happens in South Africa 
 HH> there are a few minor complications...
 HH> -!- GEcho/386 1.11+
 HH>  ! Origin: Fast! BBS, Sandton, RSA * USR V34 * [706-1749] (5:7107/9)
You're lukcy u don't live in British Columbia, Canada.  If you posted this
from here somebody at the BC Human Rights Commision would probably say that
you used that post to imply that the negro population of south africa is
lazy and stupid.  You would probably be ordered to permenantly cease all
postings, get your PC confiscated, the BBS you use shut down, and ordered to
pay a 4 or 5 figure fine in damages.  I love the freedom of speech in this
Country.
On the subject of BCHRC
        This one country club here has a policy of suggesting families with
young children go to the cafeteria instead of the dining room, they still 
ave
the option of the dining room instead.  One father of a family was so 
ffended
by the suggestion, that he went and filed discrimination charges at the 
CHRC.
The ruling was in the verdict today.  The club has been ordered to cease the
policy, apologize, and pay $1'500 in damages to the plantiff.  Have you ever
heard of anything so f***ing ridiculos?
                                                                
... Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
--- Blue Wave/386 v2.30 [NR]
 * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Vancouver, B.C. Canada (1:153/757)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00671 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:48pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-01

Subject: Internet Oracularities #1006
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 00:10:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
 
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh Orracle most superior in actions of both a corporeal and celestial
> nature:
> Why can't I get the blood stains out from beneath my fingernails?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
}    ACT 5, SCENE 1: The Macbeth-Room in the Temple.
}
}           Enter the ORACLE and a Zadoc.
}
}           Enter SUPPLICANT, with a question.
}
}    ZADOC: Lo Oracle most grand, here she comes! This is her very queue;
}           and, upon my life, with a question lame and un-subtle.
}
}    ORACLE: How came she by that odd question?
}
}    Zadoc: Dunno.
}
}    ORACLE: You see, her eyes are open. Ay, but their sense is shut.
}
}    Zadoc: Take my lines oh wise one, I care not!
}
}    ORACLE: What is it she does now? Look, how she rubs
}           her hands as if with carpal tunnel woes.
}
}    Zadoc: It is an accustomed action with supplicants
}           to seem thus almost to ask a good question, yet do not.
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Yet here's a spot.
}
}    ORACLE: Bark! she speaks: I will set down what
}           comes from her, to satisfy my need for answers
}           that seem scholarly to the viewers of tube boob.
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Out, damned spot! out, I say!--
}
}           > Oh Oracle most superior in actions of both a corporeal and
}           > celestial nature:
}           >
}           > Why can't I get the blood stains out from beneath my
}           > fingernails?
}
}           We fear who knows it, when admins can call on dark
}           powers to yank our account?--Yet who would have thought the
}           old w..dch..k to have had so much blood in him.
}
}    ORACLE: Do you mark that? Tis but a fell beast she fell
}          it matters not!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Here's the smell of the blood still:
}           all the perfumes of Nordies will not sweeten this little
}           hand. Oh, oh, oh! I whine, I will loser sore!
}
}    ORACLE: Sheesh! Get ye to a lyfe!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: Wash your mouth...
}
}    ORACLE: Say What?! Back Zadoc!
}
}    SUPPLICANT: To ask, to tell, to...
}
}    ORACLE: to Hell! ZOT ZOT ZOT I say.
}
}        [ Oracle zots supplicant ]
}
}    SUPPLICANT: I die!
}
}    ORACLE: Fie!
}
}           [Exeunt.]
}      _________________________________________________________________
}
} You owe the Oracle a mobile forest.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00672 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:48pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-02

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, whose omniscience is so great that you
> already knew I was going to ask this question even before it occurred
> to me, please do this lowly supplicant the honour of answering my
> humble question.
>
> What exactly is the punishment if I remove the "do not remove this tag"
> tag from my mattress, and is that law ever really enforced?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} Be wary of the Tag Detector Vans, my friend.  You might think that
} RV driving down the street is just some innocent tourist, trundling
} slowly down the suburban streets, consulting their street directories
} whilst looking for a street down which to turn.
}
} But no.
}
} In the back of these innocent-appearing vans sits an array of
} equipment so high-tech even the FBI are unaware of its very existence.
} Until they intercept and read this email of course.  In each van sits
} the tag removal detection devices.. listening on all frequencies for
} the cry of help issued by a tag as it is mercilessly removed from its
} parent mattress.  Yes, every tag has a combination transmitter and
} GPS unit.  Be sure of what you're dealing with here.  Additional to
} the high tech wizardry, each van is equipped with two large, burly,
} muscled men.  And for a very good reason...
}
} Research has established that it's usually only extremely foolish
} people who remove their labels.  People that aren't averse to physical
} violence to settle their disputes.  People who can only be subdued
} by extreme physical force.  People ... who need to be wrestled to
} the ground.
}
} But how to select these special individuals?  How to tell who has
} the mettle to be able to subdue a potentially vicious tag remover?
} A nationwide, rigorous scheme of trials, cunningly disguised as a TV
} show with what would _appear_ to be choreographed wrestling routines,
} actually sorts the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys.
} Only the supreme wrestlers who survive the countless challenges,
} not to mention the verbal threats from their opponents, earn the
} right to pilot those vans.  To be a part of the elite team considered
} capable of wrestling those tag-removers to the ground, and bringing
} them to justice.
}
} And thus, Tag Team Wrestling was born.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hulk Hogan.  And please, not in his twilight-years
} 'Thunder in Paradise' guise.  Ick.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00673 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:49pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-03

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh greatful oracle, who knows if Bubba really did the deed in Arkansaw,
> who knows who truly shot JFK, who knows why Tricky Dick resigned, who
> can peer into the mind of a Starr...
>
> Please answer this unworthy supplicants plea:
>
> Will Zippy run for president in 2000?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} [Oracle whips out his cell-phone and punches in Zippy's number]
}
} ORACLE: Hey Zip, old pal, how's it going?
}
} ZIPPY: A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
}
} ORACLE: He'll be okay. Now Zippy, I called because I heard you are
}         thinking of running for office again in 2000.
}
} ZIPPY: All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
}
} ORACLE: True enough. So I take that as a yes?
}
} ZIPPY: A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume...
}
} ORACLE: That is either going to be a big plus or a big minus
}         with the electorate depending on their gender and party
}         affiliation.
}
} ZIPPY: America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING
}        into your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
}
} ORACLE: Exactly. What's your platform going to be, have you decided?
}
} ZIPPY: Make mine a glazed!
}
} ORACLE: That -might- work... Maybe Griffy could help you on that one.
}         I suggest you try something a little more. . .
}
} ZIPPY:  HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
}
} ORACLE: Well, being tough on crime always helps. How about a running
}         mate? Who are you going to pick?
}
} ZIPPY:  How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's
}         th' MOUSTACHE ...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
}         SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?  It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
}         HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
}
} ORACLE: You could do worse. Well, best of luck Zippy.
}
} ZIPPY: Am I elected yet?
}
} You the Oracle an apology to Bill Griffith.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00674 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:49pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-04

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Fat Oracle, you are jolly and carefree, never having to worry about
> physical difficulties except maybe a stuck keyboard.  I am beyond fat.
> I am not only vertically challanged, but horizontally enhanced.  Every
> day I get stuck in furniture and bathrooms, needing to be rescued the
> the fire department.  They joke that next time they won't bother unless
> I'm on fire.
>
> Is there a way I can get out of this situation without self-immolation?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2
}                      |
}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2 + NaOH --> 3 CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-Na + glycerol
}                      |
}  CH3-(CH2)15-C(=O)-O-CH2
}
} Sometimes the only solution is a little white lye.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jenny Craig and a bar of Palmolive.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00675 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:49pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-05

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> O most wise Oracle, who would never rub thyself against pointy objects
> until you sink...
>
> ICEBERG, RIGHT AHEAD!
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} Zadoc> Huh? What? Oh my master!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!! ICEBERG RIGHT
}        AHEAD!!!!
}
} Zodoc> Huh? What? AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kendai!! Get the
}        master!
}
} Kendai> Huh? Wha? Thag! HHEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!! ICEBERG
}         RIGHT AHEAD!!!!!
}
} Thag> Ug!
}
} Oracle> Huh?
}
} Thag> Ug!
}
} Oracle> What?
}
} Thag> UG!
}
} Oracle> What? Come quickly, there's a giant iceberg approaching and
}         Zadoc, Zodoc and Kendai haven't got a clue what to do?
}
} Thag> Ug! Ug! Ug!
}
} Oracle> (wishing he hadn't shown Thag those re-runs of Skippy The Bush
}         Kangaroo) Alright, alright.........(sound of footsteps).......
}         now what's going on?
}
} Zodoc> Look, master! Iceberg dead ahead!
}
} Zadoc> Yes! Iceberg dead ahead, master! Save us, O omnipotent one, save
}        us!
}
} Oracle> Where ?
}
} Zadoc, Zodoc, Kendai > THERE!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} Thag> Ugh!!!!!!!!
}
} Oracle> Where? Oh - there, I see. Ok, gather round, minions. At a time
}         like this, there's a few things that an omniscient
}         anthropomorphic personification needs to say. First of all -
}         this is not a ship. You can kind of tell, if you look closely.
}         Lack of sails. Masts. Rigging. Porpoises frolicking around the
}         forward bow, sort of thing. See any? No. Right. So we can't be
}         in danger of sinking, can we? No. Secondly, there may well be
}         an iceberg right ahead and closing, but the problem is easily
}         solved. Zadoc?
}
} Zadoc> Y-y-y-es, master?
}
} Oracle> When was the last time you fed the giant rabbit?
}
} Zadoc> G-g-g-giant r-r-rabbit, master?
}
} Oracle> Yes, the giant rabbit, you know, the one we got for the remake
}         of The Incredible Shrinking Man?
}
} Zadoc> Oh, THAT giant rabbit - er, about three years ago, master.
}
} Oracle> So it's hungry, yes? Right, go and set it loose, it'll devour
}         that giant iceberg in seconds.
}
} Zadoc> Yes master (exit Zadoc)
}
} Oracle> Damn giant outsize salad vegetables! Last week it was a giant
}         beetroot, this week a giant Iceberg Lettuce, what's it going
}         to be next -  an interstellar coleslaw nebula? I don't know
}         what the continuum's coming to, I really don't..............
}
} You owe The Oracle a pun even worse than that.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00676 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:49pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-06

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Greatest Oracle, who speaks all languages from Arabic to Zulu, please
> answer the following question to this humble mortal:
>
> Since there is no alphabet in Chinese or Japanese (symbols stand for
> words), how do they make it to find a word in the dictionary?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} The Master smiled to himself.  It had been a good day.  Several
} supplicants had come to him seeking wisdom and he had been able to
} enlighten them with a koan or with a simple demonstration.  Only one
} remained, a young wandering monk.
}
} The door opened and a gray haired man entered.  "I am Caine.  I am here
} to help you."
}
} The Master blinked.  Usually the supplicants wished help and did not
} offer to bestow it.  "I believe you are confused.  Have you not come
} seeking guidance... grasshopper?"
}
} "No thank you.  I am not thirsty," replied Caine, to the Master's
} proffered drink.  "I have a question which can only be answered by the
} most wise of all of the Zen masters.  However, they were busy elsewhere
} so I have come to you.  It is well known that the Chinese and Japanese
} languages use pictograms to represent words; how would one find a word
} in a dictionary in this situation?"
}
} The Master pondered this question for a moment and replied, "are you
} certain you would not prefer to snatch a pebble from my hand instead?"
}
} Cain also rejected the Master's offer of breakfast cereal.  "No, I wish
} to know how to use a Chinese or Japanese dictionary to look up a word."
}
} The Master thought about this and then the world seemed to become
} blurry. Suddenly he was back in the days of his youth, kneeling at the
} feet of his Master to catch the pearls of wisdom as they feel from
} above. "Ah, young one," the Master was speaking, "there will some time
} come a day when you are asked a question for which you do not know the
} answer.  Your best hope is to avoid the question entirely; perhaps also
} make a lame pun."
}
} The fog cleared and the Master smiled back at Caine.  "I have your
} answer. When you wish to look up a word in a Chinese or Japanese
} dictionary," the Master paused to point a finger directly at the gray
} haired supplicant, "you use the index."  And thus Caine was
} enlightened.
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chinese to Japanese to Ancient Egyptian
} dictionary.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00677 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:50pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-07

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!!
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} Sorry, your question came through
}                      .umop episdn
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00678 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:50pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-08

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Dearest Oracle who (like me) never grovels,
>
> Please tell me: why can I never get my own way?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} Because you insist on always having one. I know that the following are
} utter anathema to the way you have lived your life, but try to bear in
} mind that:
} 1) Expectations are merely premeditated resentments.
} 2) Those who insist on "my way or the highway" end up as roadkill.
} 3) Jimmy Carter was right: Life IS unfair. You cannot change this.
} 4) Temper tantrums are unbecoming in people over the age of seven.
} 5) If it is your perception that you never lose arguments, what's
}    _really_ happening is that people who engage in discourse for
}    purposes of mutual enlightenment don't waste a lot of time trying to
}    talk to walls.
} 6) The universe is VERY large. You are VERY small. Don't take the
}    universe personally. Chances are, whatever's going on has nothing
}    to do with you.
} 7) Reality is independent of your opinion.
}
} ...these can be of use in learning how not to have a way to get, which
} tends to lead to a more fulfilling life. If you're interested in that.
} If you'd rather be discontented over minor inconveniences, disturbed
} over personal slights, and outraged over injustices beyond your control,
} keep doing what you're doing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel. It's the way it's done. And please don't
} assume, just because I actually _do_ know everything, that my ego is
} anywhere near the size of yours.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)
---------------

FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY         Ref: F5G00679 Date: 04/30/98
From: BOB BUCHANAN                                          Time: 01:50pm
\/To: *.*                                                 (Read 4 times)
Subj: Internet Oracle 1006-09

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
 
> Oh mighty Oracle, who always knows what's up, please tell me why
> people use "new and improved" to describe a product when those words
> are inherantly contradictory? After all, if something is new, how
> can it be improved?
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 
} It's clear that you're not in the marketing industry, both from
} your lackluster grovel and your question. Well, my grovel-challenged
} supplicant, here's the story.
}
} Many incarnations ago, two shrew marketers (no, dear supplicant,
} that's not a typo. They weren't particularly clever, but they did
} sell shrews) were trying to corner the shrew market.
}
} These businessmen (let's call them Thag and Og, for the sake of...
} well, ok, for no reason) had a distinct problem. Since they were
} both selling the exact same product, it was difficult to convince
} customers to choose one shrew over another.
}
} "Thag shrew stink bad!"
}
} "Og shrew no good smell!
}
} As you can see, neither of these arguments is really more compelling
} than the other. What Thag and Og needed was a way to convince everyone
} to buy their shrew, even though all the shrews were really the same.
} Since their cost was basically the same (there really -aren't- that
} many ways to skin a shrew, despite all those stories that have been
} going around), they couldn't really use price as a selling point,
} either.
}
} Since Thag and Og didn't really want to -lie- to their customers
} (Although many marketers, even to this day, don't suffer from this
} probem), they were in a bind...
}
} ...Until I received a question from Og a while back.
}
} > > "Oracle make shrew smell good! Og shrew sell help need!"
}
} (As you can see, you're pretty much on par with Og for a good grovel)
}
} My advice then, as it is now, was to tell potential customers some
} meaningless bit of nothing about the product. If their customers were
} as stupid as they were (a reasonable assumption), then they'd latch on
} to that as an indication of a superior product, and sales would rocket!
} (of course, try explaining rocket to Og. Man. that guy is thick as
} a brick)
}
} So, phrases like "new and improved" actually, as you managed to figure
} out, sum up to nothing. And things like "50% more" don't mean anything
} if you don't give something to compare to. You may have even noticed a
} similar trend in some fast food stores to label their drinks 'Medium',
} 'Large', and 'Bust-a-Kidney' ... with nothing to compare their size
} labels to, it doesn't matter.
}
} Og started a new campaign for his shrew business that helped him club
} Thag over the head (metaphorically speaking)... "Og Shrew: More meat,
} more stink!"
}
} The moral of this story is... 50% better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent explanation of which way is up, a new
} and improved grovel, and a Mr. Pibb Big Gulp.
--- Maximus 2.02
 * Origin: Brainstormers Idea Exchange Calgary AB (403)285-5928 (1:134/61)