--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00468 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 11:01pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: NORM QUOTES Norm quotes The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"! "What's shaking Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." "What's new Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." "Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "Women. Can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty." "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody." "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" "A little early isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." ... "Why remember quotes when you can make them up??" - David Keogh --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00469 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 10:37pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: OH BABY!!! OH YESSSSSS!!! Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems that at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it. ... Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00470 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 10:38pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: OLD MAN'S CONFESSION An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest paused for a moment, then said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody!" ... He who would be cured of ignorance must confess it. --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00471 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 10:54pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: PARKING YOU CAR Self-Pitying Car Parking Lessons of the Day: -- Don't leave your car parked in front of your dorm (in the loading/unloading zone) and forget it there overnight. -- If, however, you are stupid enough to leave your car there, don't leave the hazard lights on, or the battery'll go dead. -- If you've ignored the last two suggestions, don't invite to drive three friends to an important party the next night, forgetting where you left your car. -- Screwed up the last three directives? Note that when a city cab company tells you they'll pick you up in 30 minutes, the translation is, [overheard on cab CB radio:] "Hey, Cecil, you wanna go pick up a bunch o' college brats on 10th and Union?" "No, not particularly." "Nah, neither do I. Maybe if we ain't got no one else to pick up in a few hours..." TOTAL COST (to yours truly) OF IGNORING THESE SAGE RULES: -- One ruined pair of pants when I thought my car was stolen. -- $5 in cab fare. -- $60 in parking tickets. -- $80 in towing fees. -- 3.5 hours lost due to waiting for cab (1.5 hour) and getting car from impound lot (1.5 hour) and letting battery recharge (30 minutes). MORAL OF THE STORY: -- Buy the parking enforcement officers donuts as a preventative measure. SMILEY ENDINGS -- I had quite a good time at both the Opera and Latin Dance Party events :-) I'm sure others have also had a good time watching me try to do Latin Dancing. -- Someday I'll look back and laugh at this. Likely AFTER I've staged a hostile buyout of our school's Parking Operations Department, however. ... "Everybody remember where we parked." --Adm. Kirk, ST:IV --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00472 Date: 04/17/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 03:32pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: Peanuts? One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "According to smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!" --- Tag-X Pro v1.30 Elephants DO IT for peanuts. * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00473 Date: 04/17/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 03:33pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: Programming Team At a recent computer software engineering conference in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.. ... (A)Abort (R)Retry (F)Fix dinner and leave the @#$! computer alone? --- * Tag-X Pro v1.30 * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00474 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 10:41pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: REJECTED HALLMARK Rejected Hallmark Cards Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends You've announced that you're gay Won't that be a laugh When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me. Your computer is dead It was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows '95? You totaled your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry? ... A really macho guy is one who jogs home from the vasectomy. --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00475 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 11:00pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: RESUMES * STUFF FROM RESUMES THAT DIDN'T WORK * (Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Marital status: Often. Children: various. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Finished eighth in my class of ten. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. ... "I bought a cordless extension cord..." - s.w. --- * MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: * * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00476 Date: 04/17/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 03:44pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: Seinfeld The Top 16 Surprises in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld" [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] 16> 105-year-old Elaine recounts how Jerry's apartment hit an iceberg. 15> Jerry reveals to all that he, Paul Rieser and Richard Lewis are actually the same person. 14> Mulder and Scully bust in to kill Kramer, who was sent here as part of a diabolical alien plot, but he's already escaped to join the cast of "3rd Rock from the Sun." 13> Jerry wakes up next to Bob Newhart and realizes it was all just a dream. 12> *George* awakens from a long nightmare to find Bobby Ewing in his shower. 11> Bikini waxing accident leaves Elaine follically impaired. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) 10> George Michael guest stars as "Master Of His Domain." 9> Jerry finally accomplishes his goal of dating every single woman in NYC. His number is then retired into the rafters with Wilt Chamberlain's. 8> Everyone watches helplessly as the Soup Nazi invades Poland. 7> George gets crushed by a falling beam at Yankee Stadium. 6> Jerry, Kramer, George and Newman compare their nude sketches of Elaine. 5> Newman goes postal -- 8 dead, 14 wounded. 4> A wacky new spin-off, "Minefield", is born when Elaine introduces the gang to her pregnant "roommate", played by the irrepressible Jodie Foster. 3> Jerry's hot new girlfriend tricks him into appearing with her on the "I'm dating a prissy, neurotic mama's boy!" episode of Jenny Jones. 2> Kramer shoots himself in the head mere moments after Jerry finally locks his front door. and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"... 1> Special surprise appearance by Shoshanna Lowenstein's obstetrician. [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] --- Tag-X Pro v1.30 I do a lot of research, especially in ladies apartments. * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00477 Date: 04/19/98 From: RICK BURWELL Time: 10:33pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: TOOTH FAIRY * TOOTH FAIRY FORM LETTER * Dear ____________: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below: ( ) the tooth could not be found ( ) it was not a human tooth ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy ( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows: [ ] string [ ] pliers [ ] gunpowder [ ] hammer marks [ ] chisel [ ] part of skull attached to tooth [ ] no dental care [ ] other: ____________________ Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate, which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy --- MegaMail #1175 & Tag-X Pro v1.60: A clear conscience makes a good illow. * Origin: Get Your Fido Fix Here. telnet://docsplace.dyn.ml.org (1:3603/140)