--------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00422 Date: 04/13/98 From: GEORGE POPE Time: 05:39pm \/To: BRAD VANMIDDLESWORTH (Read 6 times) Subj: g$ BV> **1**p*m****@Z*F**D*****A******"*2**T****M***f?u*lm2B***4*K***}*o.*"**>*0** BV> P [M******\gZ*{O***-a*****X******bg*]*"**P****nc,**LG* That's what happens when you buy your modem from a Pentecostal! Your servant, <+]::-), "Cyberpope", servant to Y'shua the King! Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca ... nfx v2.8 [C0000] FAITH is daring 2 go farther than you can see. --- EzyQwk V1.48g0 01fa0167 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00423 Date: 04/13/98 From: JONATHAN ARNOLDUSSEN Time: 12:46pm \/To: BARRY AUSTERN (Read 6 times) Subj: Her Majesty's new knight BA> -> * Origin: The Midnight Oil * Lethbridge, AB CAN 403-329-3381 BA> -> (1:358/26) BA> BA> But I would think that a guy whose province's abbreviation is "Abie" BA> should understand Hebrew. WHOA! First of all, my province (Alberta) is not abbreviated 'Abie'. I have never heard it called that. I normally is abbreviated to 'AB', or 'Alta', never 'Abie'. Please supply proof if I am wrong. Second, not only do I have no Jewish roots, I also do not know *anyone* who is Jewish - making a translation slightly hard. -Bikeman --- Shotgun v1.38a * Origin: The Midnight Oil * Lethbridge, AB CAN 403-329-3381 (1:358/26) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00424 Date: 04/13/98 From: DENNIS HADDOX Time: 05:29pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: trek Christmas Carols ------------------ FROM JEAN-LUC PICARD (to the tune of "Let It Snow"): Oh, the vacuum outside is endless, Unforgiving, cold, and friendless, But still we must boldly go-- Make it so, make it so, make it so! FROM WILLIAM RIKER (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): Here's a vexing Christmas riddle: (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la) Why must I play second fiddle? (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la) How can I impress Deanna (Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la) When I'm number two banana? (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la) FROM WESLEY CRUSHER, Starfleet Cadet (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"): I'm at Starfleet Academy, And I'd just like to say I miss the opportunity To weekly save the day-- To make things worse, I have to be In some dumb Christmas play! Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy, Only a boy, And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy! FROM DATA: (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh-- or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun," I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the-- yes, sir. WORF E-MAILED two different greetings. The first appears to be to the tune of "White Christmas": I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled, Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight. They all think they've hidden, But this one didn't, And I'm using him as bait. I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled-- Their mental skills are rather lame. May your foes die sonless, in shame-- And I hope you're wishing me the same! The second is most easily sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"): Phasers flashing in the depths of space, Ripping up an airtight hull; Signs of fear on your enemy's face, And life-support signs reading null! Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe Who lacks the Klingon will to fight! Phaser beams set his torso aglow-- He'll find it hard to breathe tonight! He knows that Worf is on his way! And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"! And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"! And so I'm offering this simple threat To Roms, and all Ferengi, too: You'll be as dead as a life-form can get-- Merry Christmas to you! * OLX 1.53 * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. --- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #108 * Origin: The Hall of Fame * Canton, Ohio * 330.456.8856 (1:2215/300.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00425 Date: 04/13/98 From: DENNIS HADDOX Time: 05:31pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: yo mama 1/3 Yo mama so poor, when I opened your front door I tripped over your back ence. Yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has a lifeguard. Yo mama so fat, Her crucifix has a real guy on it. Yo mama so fat, When she died the museum gained a new dinosaur exhibit. Yo mama so fat, that they won't let her wear a Malcom X t-shirt cuz people are afraid that helicopters might think she is a landing pad. Yo mama so fat, God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo mama so fat, NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall! Yo mama so fat, and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!! Yo mama so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanut Yo mama so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama so fat, her big toe got stuck in the catflap. Yo mama so fat, her tits are in two different time zones. Yo mama so fat, it say on her driver's license "Picture continued on Yo mama so fat, people jog around her for exercise Yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says " Yo mama so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo mama so fat, she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama so fat, she has her own zip code. Yo mama so fat, she influences the tides. Yo mama so fat, she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Fr Yo mama so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo mama so fat, she shows up on radar. Yo mama so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship Yo mama so fat, she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March! Yo mama so fat, she was zoned for commercial development Yo mama so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mama so fat, that her senior pictures had to be aerial views! Yo mama so fat, that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo mama so fat, when she puts her foot down she clears rain forests Yo mama so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama so stupid, she has to ask for a price check at the 99 cent store. Yo mama so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs Yo mama so fat, when she jumps up she gets stuck Yo mama's teeth so yellow she spits butter Yo mama so fat, when she play's hop scotch she goes denver chicago- Yo mama's so old, I told her to act here age, and she rotted away. Yo mama so stupid, she thinks manual labor is a Mexican. Yo mama so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill. Yo mama so stupid, she thought AIDS was a welfare check, talk about "Where's my aids at?" Yo mama so stupid, she thought Bobby Brown was a new Crayola color. Yo mama so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read. Yo mama so stupid, she went to go watch "A River Runs through it" and brought a boat with her. Yo mama so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. Yo mama so stupid, when I asked her to go to the store and buy a color TV, she said, "What color do you want?". Yo mama so stupid, when she had you, she was happy. Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama so stupid, when she went to Disneyland and saw a road sign that said "Disneyland, left", she turned around and left. Yo mama so stupid, when she went to take the number 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo mama so stupid, when yo daddy say it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon. Yo mama so tall, she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo mama so tall, she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo mama so tall, she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. Yo mama so ugly that I wouldn't even fuck her with *your* dick! Yo mama so ugly that Rice Crispies won't even talk to her. Yo mama so ugly that her face looks like a bag of chisels. Yo mama so ugly that her face looks like someone had set fire to it, and then put out the fire with a hammer. Yo mama so ugly that her mama realized that bestiality can have some serious drawbacks. Yo mama so ugly that yo daddy takes her to picture when he goes drinkin' so he'll know to stop drinkin' when she appears to be good-lookin'. Yo mama so ugly that yo daddy takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo mama so ugly that you could push her face in dough and make gorilla cookies. Yo mama so ugly, I took her to the haunted house and she left with an application. Yo mama so ugly, I took her to the zoo and they said, "Thanks for bringing her back." Yo mama so ugly, even the facehuggers from the movie "Alien" run away from her! Yo mama so fat she teaches shamu how to splash! Yo mama so ugly, her complexion makes Jupiter's surface look smooth as silk. Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to be drunk to breast feed her. Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to feed her with a slingshot. Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around yo mama's neck to get (Continued to next message) --- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #108 * Origin: The Hall of Fame * Canton, Ohio * 330.456.8856 (1:2215/300.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00426 Date: 04/13/98 From: DENNIS HADDOX Time: 05:31pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: yo mama 2/3 (Continued from previous message) the dog to play with her. Yo mama so ugly, her mama put rubber bands on her ears so that people would think that she was only wearing a mask. Yo mama so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama so ugly, if it weren't for her big ears, you couldn't tell her head from her butt. Yo mama so ugly, if ugly were bricks, she would be her own project. Yo mama so ugly, if my dog looked like her, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards! Yo mama so ugly, if she stuck her head out the window, they'd arrest her for mooning! Yo mama so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck. Yo mama so ugly, it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails, face down! Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her daddy said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama so ugly, one look at her could turn Medusa to stone! Yo mama so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama so ugly, she always keeps three bags handy: one for her head, one for your own head in case hers fell off, and one by the door in case anyone walked in. Yo mama so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control! Yo mama so ugly, she could scare a hungry pit bull off a meat truck. Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a fist full of pardons! Yo mama so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama so ugly, she had to trick or treat over the phone when she was young. Yo mama so ugly, she has a face that would sink a thousand ships. Yo mama so ugly, she has little round marks all over her body from people touching her with 10-foot poles. Yo mama so ugly, she has to even sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze. Yo mama so ugly, she has to wear a bag over her head, you wear a bag over your own head whenever you see her in case her bag breaks, and you bring a third bag to puke into if you end up having to look at her anyway. Yo mama so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with an ax. Yo mama so ugly, she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries. Yo mama so ugly, she made an onion cry. Yo mama so stupid, she thinks taco bell is a mexican phone company! Yo mama so ugly, she must have been shot with the ugly gun at point blank range. Yo mama so ugly, she runs around with a mattress strapped to her back asking for volunteers. Yo mama so ugly, she scares the roaches away. Yo mama so ugly, she was once viciously gang-dressed by a group of Hell's Angels. (adapted from Joan Rivers) Yo mama so ugly, she wasn't beaten with an ugly stick...the whole forest fell on her. Yo mama so ugly, she would make a freight train take a dirt road. Yo mama so ugly, she's the cover girl for iodine. (from Richard Pryor) Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Yo mama so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo mama so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock. Yo mama so ugly, they only wanted her feet for the freak show. Yo mama so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama so ugly, they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama's lips are so big she has to put on lipstick with a paint roller. Yo mama so fat, she has to use I-77 as a waterslide. Yo mama's nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers. Yo mama so dirty, she jumped in the bathtub and the water jumped out. Yo mama so stupid, she went to the Ice-T concert and brought a glass. Yo mama so fat, she jumped on a rainbow and skittles poured out. Yo mama so poor, she goes to KFC to lick other peoples' fingers. Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bath tub. Yo mama so musky, she made speed stick slow down, right guard turn left, dial hang up, roll on roll off, and secret tell. Yo mama got so many holes in her underwear, when she farts, it whistles. Yo mama so ugly, she made onions cry. Yo mama so fat, I was drinking Kool-Aid and she busted through the wall. Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama is so ugly, I took her to a haunted house, she came out with a job application Yo mama so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone! Yo mama so old she's in Jesus' yearbook. Yo mama so fat she sat on a penny and squeezed a booger out of Abraham Lincoln's nose. Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the sky she got stuck! Yo mama so stupid, she jumped out of a hotel window she went up! Yo mama so fat, It causes an earthquake when she gets the mail! What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter! Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I had to put it in!) Yo mama so fat, she went to Jenny Craig and lost $2000. Yo mama so fat, when she goes for a swim there's a tidal wave in Japan. Yo mama so fat, the people at McDonald's have to type her order. (Continued to next message) --- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #108 * Origin: The Hall of Fame * Canton, Ohio * 330.456.8856 (1:2215/300.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00427 Date: 04/13/98 From: DENNIS HADDOX Time: 05:31pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: yo mama 3/3 (Continued from previous message) Yo mama so fat, when she fell into a bucket of yellow paint they called her a school bus. Yo mama so fat, when she fell down the stairs, gravy poured out of her leg. Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone screamed "Run for the border!" Yo mama is so ugly, even the ocean doesn't wave! Yo mama so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama so fat, a Mack truck ran into her, and 2 other people got hurt. Yo mama so ugly, on her driver's license, they put her age in dog years. Yo mama so ugly, the doctors that delivered you wore toxic waste suits. Yo mama so fat, her yearbook picture was taken by the goodyear blimp. Yo mama so old, she got the first copy of the Bible. Yo mama so fat, she rolled over in bed and ended up in the Atlantic Ocean. Yo mama so fat, she is on both sides of the family. Yo mama so dumb, somebody said it is chilly outside and she got a bowl. Yo mama so dumb, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. Yo mama so ugly, she had to get you drunk to breastfeed you. * OLX 1.53 * Pipecleaner - A toothpick with long underwear. --- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #108 * Origin: The Hall of Fame * Canton, Ohio * 330.456.8856 (1:2215/300.0) --------------- FIDO MESSAGE AREA==> TOPIC: 104 FUNNY Ref: F5G00428 Date: 04/13/98 From: DENNIS HADDOX Time: 05:34pm \/To: ALL (Read 6 times) Subj: bulb 1/5 ------The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes------ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIRST THE ORIGINAL LIGHT BULB JOKES: Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOW THE UPDATED VERSIONS -- WARNING - NO GROUP IS SPARED Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. (Continued to next message) --- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #108 * Origin: The Hall of Fame * Canton, Ohio * 330.456.8856 (1:2215/300.0)